Art Instructor: Alright, we're gonna use a fan brush here and just take a hunter green and we're gonna put a happy little bush, down in the corner there and that'll be just our little secret....and if you tell anyone that, that bush is there, I will come to your house, and i will cut you!

Player P: "Hey you want a piece of gum?"
Player T: "Oh thanks."
Player P: "That was joke gum."
Player T: "What do you mean?"
Player P: "Now you're addicted to heroin!"
Both: "Hahahahahahahaha!"
Player T: "I'm cold..."

"I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man!" - Peter

"Why did all the dinosaurs die?"
"Because you touch yourself at night."
--Young Peter and a worker at a museum

"I have no idea how to be black, except to not smile when my picture is taken."
--Peter

Girl: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
Stewie: Oh gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, um reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" And yet you've taken that, and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. Gosh, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that by your self. Mmm. That's so fresh, too. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Because I'm right here. God you're so funny!

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!